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Toll] the €HI]f[TV£Y PIECE. [No. 4. 





1 



TURNER'S 

DRAMATIC LIBRARY, 

ffiih Remarks, 
BIOGRAPHICAL AND CRITICAL, 

To which is added the irhnle of 

The Stag^e Business* 

Witli Spirited Wood BngraviMgs, 

Beautifully executed by Mr. Woodside. 

PHILADELPHIA: 

FREDERICK TURNER, PUBLISHER ; 

Sold by lurner & Fisher, 11 N. Sixth St.; 

Owen Phelan, 57 ("hatham St. New York; 

B. Baniball. 50 Pratt St., Baltimore; 

F. I'aylor, VVashingtoa City ; 

B. Baldwin, >\ Sidney Smith : Mobile, Ala. 



^-' 




-><<.,. 




SCF.jYE I. 

Fred, (ruslnng to her) Sister, dear sister, take courage 
'tis only I, j'our brother. 



)> 



Eutncx's Brainatlc SLtbvav^. 

THE CHIMNEY PIECE 5 

OR, THE MARRIED MAID 

A LAUGHABLE FARCE. 



BY G. HERBERT RODWELL, 

Author of Teddy the Tiler ; Was I To Blame; I'll Ba 

Your Second ; S^c, &^c. 



rniNTED rnoM .the best acting copy, with remark^ 

BIOGRAPHICAL AND CRITICAL, BY E. T. W. 

To vhich are added 

A description of the Costume, Cast of the Characters, Exits and 

Entrances, an 1 the whole of the Stage Business, 

Properties,- and Directions 

AS NOW PERFORMED IN THE 

LONDON AND AMERICAN THEATRES. 



WITH A FINE SPIRITED ENGRAVING, 
By WooDsiDE, from a Drawing taken in the Theatre. 



i3i)aaMj)|)ia: "\.r 
FREDERICK TURNEjR,— PUBLISHER j 
SOI.D BY TURNER ^J^D FISHBR^ 
11 NORTH SIXTH STREBT* 



Lil'e is so full of incident and variety that authors can neve 
want for subject if they possess sufficient tact for the under- 
tak.in 



ig- 



" Thus far of beauty and the pleasing forms 
Which man's untutored fancy, from the scenes 
Imperfect of this everchanging world, 
Creates ; and views, enamoured." 

Of Dramatic Compositions, those which appertain to the 
follies and humours of men, if not the most popular and inte- 
resting, writers comparatively speaking have succeeded better 
in ; they are certainly the most numerous, the reason of this, 
if it were worth while explaining, is easily persceptible, and 
in some measure to be palliated; Taste dift'ers however, and 
perhaps will never agree ; what pleases one, does not, or is it 
always expected to please another, hence, many of the dramas 
of the day are not wholly free from praise, however exaggera- 
ted; just or exclusive censure. There are some, and not a 
few of what are denominated successful pieces, poor and utterly 
worthless, meagre in point of subject, and barren in true wit 
and hilarity. 

We cannot fully commend the present Farce, or class it 
with many others that we know of and have witnessed ; it 
however like many that read remarkably dull in the closet, 
possess considerable interest if properly representad, and this 
we remember to have seen on more than one occasion. 

The story is regularly connected and conducted throughout. 
The act opens with the view of a chamber, designed and fur- 
nished in the ' Olden Style,' and also with large and heavy 
frame work so common in former days. Mr. Muddlebrain is 
a student in chymistry and natural magic, a disciple as he is 
called of Sir Humphrey Davy. Closely applied to study and 
possessed of an easy and quiet disposition, he naturally pays 
very little attention to his household concerns, and which 
leaves him ignorant for a while, of the tricks of those who 
are taking the advantage of him and the litfele affairs that 
happen during his absence of mind. Shuffle, formerly waiter 
to a gambling house, is the husband of Mary, his wife's ser- 



KlMAKSf. 

Vant, and is living secreted in the house, and on the expense 
of ber master. His wife in the mean time is wrjngly 
supposed to be making love to a young stranger, whijh is 
her brother, and who is also secreted in the house by 
means of the fire placf, which turns upon the centre, ar.d 
furnishes a complete mooe of escape from his pursuers, being 
suspected as having killed a young man in a duel. The old 
domestic, Horn, throws out some su-^picions to his mastsr, of 
his wife having a lover, and he is determined to watch their 
motions. During an interview with his wife, .Mary, who is 
ignorant of the plot, tries to attract his attention elsewhere. 
He leaves them but with the intention of still watching their 
movements. Mrs. JM. is left alone, and aftei reading a letter 
she had received, gives the signal as directed ; the chimney 
piece turns upon the centre and brings Frederick into the 
room. He explains the nature of his case and innocence ; 
Horn is now heard from without, and FreJerick places himself 
against the chimney, touches the spring and disappears 
— Horn, and Mary enters, and after arranging the table 
they go out leaving Horn alone — Mrs. JMuddlebruin 
enters cautiously, Plorn picks up the letter let fall by 
Mrs. M, — they exit each taking a light, determined on finding 
the lover. Shuffle in the interval descends the chimney, but 
ascends again on hearing Mr. M. who enters, locks the door 
and exits, and re enters with a lighted candle, blunderbuss and 
a pair of pistols. Mrs. M. enters, and he conceals himself, 
she again gives the signal softly for Frederick — iMuddlebraln 
does it also, but louder; the chimney springs round carrying with 
it Mr. M., and bringing Frederick into view; Air. M. is heard 
without, and enters in great disorder with officers following 
in pursuit of Melville, Frederick in haste slips under the table ; 
Horn enters; the officers seize Mr. M., as he is in the act of 
explaining his innocence, some bricks fall unon his head, he 
runs forward, and Shuffle's legs are discovered dangling down 
the chimney — the officers seize him. Horn removes tlie cloth 
and Frederick is discovered sitting under the table. Frederick 
laughs, and the officers seize him. JMrs. M. gives a paper to 
the officers who go off. jNIuddlebrain asks his wife's forgive- 
ness ; which she grants on condition that Frederick marries his 
niece. He assents, and the story winds up with better pros- 
pects of conjugal felicity. 

Mary is a spirited character and embodies in it much that 
can gratify and enhance the attention. 



REMARKS. 

Tliis piece was first produced in this2country at the Tremont 
Theatre, Boston ; — and afterwards at the New York, and 
Baltimore Theatre, to the great delight of the spectators. 

The purt of Mr. Muddlebrain has been performed by Mr, 
Burton, an actor of the first stamp and of great merit, alike 
in this character, as in every other m his line, he is peculiarly 
happy. 

iMr. Hamilton's performance of Frederick, is respectable 
and praiseworthy ; Murdock in ShufHe is excellent. 

We must not forget Watson in John Horn, he is exceeding- 
ly amusing, and produces considerable applause. This gen- 
tleman plays many characters with effect, his Peter Von Bum- 
mel, in the Flying Dutchman, and Pietro, in Cinderella are 
good performances and deserving of notice. We would how- 
ever recommend him to throw in a little more versatility. 

Lucretia could not perhaps have been better played, than 
by Miss Pelham. She possesses many qualifications for 
making a good actress, and is at present neither void of talent 
nor favor. 

With such a cast almost fany piece of the same nature, 
would be acceptable, although we have little hesitation in 
saying that in our humble opinion, there is not that in thia 
Farce which will make it generally successful or often played. 

E.T.W. 



COSTUME. 

Mr. MUDDLEDRAIN— Dressing gown, white paiilaloons green 
coat 

FREDERrCK.— Modern fnsiiioiiable dress. 
SHUFFLE. — Friick coui, drab breeciies, high (op boots. 
JOHN HORN.— Grey suit, slocliiiigs, (S-c. 
OFFICER.— Modern dress. 
LUCRETIA.— White miislin.dress. 
MARY. — Coloured "uwa. 



rROPERTIES. 

Flower Vase — ^Rabin — Broken Retort — Wash basin — TowjJ — Soap 
-Letter — Tray — Cold fowl— Wine — Three tandlea- Table andclutii. 



DRAMATIS PEKSON.?:. 

Chesnut St. 1834. 

Mr. Muddlebrain Mr. Burton. 

Frederick " Ilanulton. 

Shuffle •• Murdock, 

John Horn ..." Watson. 

Ojjicer " Eberle. 

Lucreiia Miss Pelham. 

Mary, her servant Mrs. "1 hayer. 



EXITS AND ENTRANCES. 
H. means ^ight; L. Lejt; R.D, Bight Door; L.D. Left 
Door'. S,'E, Second Entrance ; U. E. Upper Entrance j M.D* 
Middle Door, X. Crosses. 

RELATIVE POSITIONS. 

O* The Reader is supposed to be on the Stage facing th§ 

Audience, 



THE CfiIl]?I]\EY PIECE. 



SCENE I —.4 Chamber, in the centre of uhkh is a large 
Chimneu Piece in the olden style. A Door on each side of 
the chimney; two other doors at sides, and a Window toith 
Shutters. 

Mauy, Shuffle, and John Hohn, are discovered arranging 

the Fur ui lure. 

Mary, (c) Three movings they say are as bad asonefirel If 
so, since 1 have lived with him, master has been as good a» 
burnt out of house and home at least half a dozen times. This 
is the eighteenth house he has had in fiie years. Move, move, 
move, he's forever moving! Like — like — 

John H. (Coming forward Rc.) Like your tongue. But re- 
member, mistress l\Iary,it's not always his fault, for since he's 
become what he calls a disciple of ISir Humphrey Davy, the 
great chymist, and a student in natural magic, nobody will allow 
us to remain half a year in their houses. True, he did blow 
off tlieroof of one with his chymistry, and frightened two old 
maids out of their wigs by raising the devil as they said. 
J Jiuih of lightning is seen to issue from door, ul side <f chimney. 

Shnf. (starting c.) Yes, and he's doing so now I think. 
Did you see that? 

Mary. Yes — He's trying now to extract butter from sea 
sand, or some such nonsence. We've only been two days in 
the house, and it smells of sulphur already as if old Kick had 
been here for a month. 

Enter Lucretia, n. carrying a Flower Vase, 

Lucretia, Here, Mary, place this on the chimney ; and tell 
me where is your master ? 

Mary. At his natural magic, ma'am. 

•[P.7fs the vuse on the side of the chimney. 



10 CHIMNEY PIF.CE. 

Lncretia. Heigho! Poor infatuated man. Thus does h« 
ever nfijlept me. 1 le has read tlie works of t^ir Isaac Newton, 
Sir liuiuplirey Davy, and other learned men, until he almost 
believes that nothing really exists in the world, but in imagi- 
tioii. (tuntsu)id sees Siil'f.) i\Jary, who is this young man? 

Martj, I hat's my cousin, ma'am, jusi stepped in to lend us 
a helping hand in plar-ing tiie things, 

Lucielht. Your cousin ! you've a great many cou>ins, Mary. 
This is a brother 1 suppose to the tall g;enudier I found in 
the p.iutry last week. Come John Horn, come with me. 

[ Exit, R. 

Joint H. { J])lloiriiit^ sloulii) T flv, ma'am. [Eiit n. 

6/;-//. (c')VViiat the devil did she say about a tall grenadier, 
and t tie pantry ! AJis. Shuffle! Airs. -^buHle! 

Miiiu. (j{;)Hu^h ! Are you mad? Do you want to tell all the 
world that we're married, and i.et me turned away ] 

^'ii'J. Ao ; but the grenadier? 

MiiiQ. Came to see the cook; so to prevent all the fat 
being ii) the tire, I cousined him, and made him a relation. 

Sliiij. Vcs; and remember you've cousined me too. 

Mary. To be sure3l have ; for you know master never will 
have a married maid; for he says their iiusbands are always 
about the house, and that annoys him. 

Sh'if. But why ? 

Mai If. Because he imagines they live at his expense. 

^Inif. Absurd ; live at his ex[)ea(;e indeed — as for myself 
T have too much pride — he need'nt be afraid of me. By- 
tlie bye, I'll give you the basin I took away the turtle in yes- 
teiday. (talit^s a basin, from hii buck pocket.) 'J'hey're pretty 
careful I think. 

Maiy. Never mind, as the place is so good. 

^hiif. \'cs ; but I don 't like to be your husband, and not 
your husband. But why not intrust your mistress] 

Miirij. I have thought ot" doing so ; {mij»tPiiously) I think 
she'll want my assistance soon, for I've caught her, while my 
master's at ids natural magic, peaping at ajiandsome young 
man next door. 

S/iuf. No! 

M.ity. Yes! 

Shuf. You don't say so? 

Miirtf. But I do though ; and if master don't look iharp, 
he'll find that mistress has more natural magic in her sparkling 
eyes ^lau he can find in all the musty old books since the 



CMIMNKY PlfeCF. H 

creation. Let him take care, I say, that she doesn't, one of 
these days, l)y love'.i cliyu!i>tiy, translorrn him into something 
he won't like to be called. — liere she ccmes. 

Elder LucRETiA and JoiiM Ilonx, n. 

l.ucretia. Your cousin not gone yet, Mary. 

Mary, A'o ma'am ; but he's goin;^ {aside) into the pantry. 

[Li'ciiKTiA gees to iciitduw. 

Shiif, (to ^^ARY.) Which is your room] 

Miiry. J'hat — but why] 

iS7/h/'. I shall be here ;it seven. 

Miiry. Here' Impossible. 

Slinf. Leave that to me ; I've a way of getting into this 
house which — but mum! - up, down, through. 1 cannot 
explain to vou now — ihiit's my natural magic. 

ALirij. WiKit do you mean ] 

th:,J\ Hu:sh! 

Lnrr t a. (plonking out of icindow.) Still at his window. If 
1 could but let him know. 

Miiry. {a.->ide toSuvv) She's looking at the young man at 
thi-) moment. 1 should like to tell master, but he'll hear 
nothing but [An (^Jtjtlosion t& hturdt 

LitcretUi, Gracious powers! What's that? 

Mury. Only master blowing himself up again, ma'am. 

Enter Mr. IMuuDi-EBnArN r. in n Dressing goicn, witha broken 
Retort in his hand, and his face black on one side, 

Mr. M. How unfoitunate, just at the moment 1 was about 
to prove to demonstration, in spite of Dr. Thickhead's asser- 
tion — 

Lucretia. Dear love, are you hurt] Are you in pain? 

Mr. M. {uincing) Fain! have 1 not otLen explained to 
you, my dear iMrs. Muddlebrain, how completely the philoso- 
phers have proved that there is no such thing as pain in the 
world — its all imaginary. Ask John Horn thsre, he knows; 
for last week I broke his head, as an experiment, just to prove 
that I could not hurt him, 

John. H. But you didn't prove it. (rubbing his head) 

Mr. M. 1 did John. 

John H. 'i'hen why would you not let me try the same 
experiment upon your head, as 1 wished to do ] 

Mr. M, Because 1 waa already conviced. 



12 CHIMNEY PriiCE. 

Liicretia. And see there, j'our poor dear face, such a colour 
—one side is all black. 

Mr. M. There you go again my dear! You, the wife of 
a modern philosopher, ough: to be aware that there is no such 
tiling as colour in existence. It's an optical illusion. I've 
often told you, that when the rays of light, as in this instance, 
{pli(ciiig his left hand upon the top of his h/uid,aiid the thumb 
of his right hand under his chin, as if to show his fuC'^ more 
cleuilu) fall upon aduil, thick, heavy, impenetrable substance, 
it absorbs the light ; and there being no light, it's dark. 

John H. That's true. 

Mr. M. And that's what we call black. 

Lucretiu. Never mind my de ir what we call it, only go and 
wash it off. 

Murij' I'll run and fetch master some water here ma'am. 

Lucretiu. No, no, it w'lil be bettar in another room. («sw/e) 
I must get them out of this apnitment. 

Mr. M. Mary's right — I'll have it here. 

Lucretin. How provoking. 

Mr. M. And then 1 can explain to you the properties of 
water, by which — 

Mitrij. I'll fetch it directly, sir. Come cou.in, I can let 
you out at the same time. 

Shnf. I'll follow, cousin, (aside to Maky as thei^ go out) 
Don't forget, at s;n'en this evening. 1 shall be here, in this 
room, anl I shall not be at all insulted, if 1 should find a 
nice cold chicken, and a bottle or two of wine. 

[Kieant SiiuF. and ISI Any, R. 

Lucretiu, (coming forward ivith Mr, M.c.) Now, my dear, 
do go into anothiif room, this you see is not yet arranged — 
you'll be more at home in your room. 

Mr. M. A philosopher is at home any where, I once re- 
member, when Doctor 1 hiclvhead and I — 

Lnrri'tiii. Do;;ter Blockhead you mean, that's the old fool 
who fust turned your wits about 'hy misery, and such nonsencr' 
it's he makes you sit up, night after ni>;ht, studying natural 
rnagic, instead of natural ariVctiou! and what does all your 
chymistry come to — nothing. 

Mr. M Nothing! Airs. iMuJdlebrain ? Y'ou're insulting! 
Is it nothing to be able to make golo})tious soup from oyster 
she'li ? I'h It's done by chymistrv. It is nothing to have dis- 
covered — t) ! inestimable discovery! — a metlr..-! of infusing 
laughing gas into our Theatres, which will be invaluable ou 



CHIMytV PIECE. 13 

the first night of a new farce"! That's done by chymistry! 
(^reenter Mauy tiith a h(isi)i, towel, soap ami uater, uliich slie 
carries to Mu DDL}- WR A iji \ J. Horn asAJsts //er.) and could'nt 
I, by chymistry, wilh this basin of water and a little fire, 
make steam enough to blow us all to the devil ; and I'll do 
it, if it will s^ive you any pleasure to see the experiment. 
Washes his face, John Hokn holds the basin, IMary the towel 

and soap stand. 
Mart). La, sir! blow us to the naughty gentleman! how 
you fjighten one. 

Lncrelia, Don't be frightened child, he can't hurt you. 
Mr. JVf. (^washing) Mrs. JNluddlebiain, you're always 
throwing cold water upon my efforts ; Genijs, like Fortune, 
is a slippery jade — the soap, Mary' (Mary gives ihe ttoap 
and exits n.) And after enduring all tiie rubs and scrubs of 
this life, {wiping his face) endeavoring to get thiough the 
world with clean hands, I'm at last denied the consolation of 
a little connubial approbation. 

Lucretia. I wish, when you have cleaned your face, my 
dear, you would go and fetch your niece from school, it will be 
I such a treat for her to attend the party to-morrow evening. 
' [E.rJtJoHN H.with basin, ^ic r, when Muddlebrain 

has Jinished washing. 

I Mr. M. (lc) No my dear! Ellen never comes from board- 

1 ing school until the day of her mairlage; science has taught 

me, that girls are composed of very dangerous combusUble 

, particles, which, if brought into conjunction with a spark, ar« 

I apt to go off. When 1 have signed the marriage contract 
i! with my friend Docter 1 hickhead — 

Lucretia. (rc) Ellen marry that stupid old apothecary ? 
Mr. M. More respect, Mrs. M; Doctor Thickhead is a 
' chymist. 

II Lucretia. Now 1 should have thought, nay wished, that my 
' brother Frederick — 

Mr, M. Frederick ! that impudent young scoundrel, who 
laughs at my studies, and who is always fighting. 

Lucretia. He may be wiser now, for you know we have not 
seen him for these three years. 

Mr. M. Nor will I ever see him again, if the power I have 
over optics can prevent it ; no, no, his las; act has settled him 
with me. What, run away, and to Liverpool too ! where 
Ellen was then at school ; and there — 

Lucretia. Mr. Muddlebraiil you annoy me, I mast beg you' 



14 CHIMNEY PIECE. 

will go to your own room, (siceetl.ii) Now do ray dear Mr. 
Muddlebrain, do go. 

Mr. M. (aside) What can be her reason for wishing to 
get rid of me ! 

Lucretia. Will you go, dear? 

Mr. M. No my love, 1 want to make a few experiments on 
prismatic rays of light, as the great Sir Isaac iVewton did, 
tiuougli a little hole in tlie window shutter, (pointin'r to win- 
dow) and here's just the tiling forme. 

Goes to it, clo!,es the ihutter, in ivhich is a small hole, holds 
lip a prism, or bit of triangular glu:is. 

Lucretia. (ugitaleil) If he sh juld discover him ! (loud) 
Muddlebrain, 1 say — 

Mr. M. What love"? [slill admiring the glass.] 

J^i.crgtia- I'm out of patience with you ! you're an a^s; and 
so was Sir Isanc ! [^d*?*- off indignauliv, n, 

Mr, M. [r] She called Sir Isaac an ass, I'll never foro-ive 
that ; why did she vvant to get me out of this room ? why 
call me so sharply from the window ? There's some mystery! 
[typens shutters, and looks out of window] 1 see no one! 

Enter John Horn, cautiously, r. 

John H. (n) Master. 

Mr. M. What's the matter > 

John H. Are you alone? 

Mr, M. Can't you see ] \_Comes forward 

John H. Why, to tell the truth, you have so bewildered my 
poor old head in trying to teach me natural magic, and to 
prove to me, that nothing is really as it appears to be, that I now 
scarcely know whether I can see or not ; but if 1 did see what 
I did see, I shall most certainly open your eyes to what you 
won't like to see. 

Mr. M. What mean youl 

John H. The young man, or something that looked to me 
like a young man, the very same ^ told you 1 saw under mis- 
tress's window, lives in the very next house, 

Mr. M. ^Vell. 

John H, And mistress made signs to him from the window 
above. 

Mr. M. Signs! but are you sure, John Horn, that it was 
not an optical illusion? for if the rays of light — 

John Lit You know master, I have had some experience in 



CHIMNEY PtlCE. 15 

lovers coming after one's wife; I hod cnougli of it ; for when 
the late Mrs. Horn — 

Mr. M. Nonsense, John; it's not because your wife went 
astray, that all the female part of the creation should do tiie 
same. 

Enter Mary, r. 

. Mary. INIissus has just found this little strip of paper, sir ; 
she says its a summon', for you to attend a Committee at the 
House of Common*. 

Mr. M. I've no time to attend. 

MarUf Missus says you hid better go directly to — 

Mr. M. The devil with you. 

Mary. Dear me, sir, don't triiliten me ; you, being a gen- 
tleman, may go wheie y';u like, I'm only to go and get the 
.stalling lor to-morrow's dinner, i^:is^us lias a goose! [I'^nt, n 

]Mr. M. Did you notice, how p(<;ntedly she said i;GO<e 
She's in t'le piot; they want to get me away id nny ]iice. 

Jolni H. Just as my wite usnl (o send me, whvii — 

ilfr. I\l. John liorn! Jolin Hum! I forbid yt.u ever to 
mention your wife again — you'ii drive me frantic. Hut ! have 
it — I'll pretenil to go out, and when she tliinks that all is safe, 
I'll burst in upon her. 

John IL Just as 1 did, when m^' wife — 

Mr, M. {loudly) John Horn! [x U) n, 

John H. I'm dumb, sir. 

Mr. M. I wish you had a pleasanter name nt this moment. 
Prettily I shall be laughed at ; I — a disciple of Sir Huoiphrey 
■ — a pliilosoplier too! I, who could see into the most lii(hlen 
secrets ot invisible nature — see through a mill stone with half 
an eye, to be thus blinded by a woman. — But its given me a 
grand idea, John Horn — I'll invent a chymical tpst, by which 
husbands may put their wives' virtue to the prcof. 

John H. And if husbands are wise, they'll never dare to 
use it. 

Mr. M. Here she comes ; the fool that I have been. Look 
there — it's now as clear as day ; there's guilt written on her 
very countenance. 

Enter Lucrriia,r. 

I'll take her off her guard, (tries to sivg) 

Oh the joys of wedded life, 
Oh the joys of wadded lift. 



16 CHIMNEY PIECE. 

^^y joy will choke me. (^ings) 

Quirt mind and preify wife, 
Makes us laugli and aiiig boys. 

Lucretia. You're merry, love. How lucky I should find the 
summons, for no one knows the trouble it mi^lit have cost you, 
did you not go. 

Mr. M. (aside) I'm afraid it will cost me more if I do go. 
(Sings) "Quiet mind, &c." (aloud) I was not aware my 
love, that you knew any thing about the affair at all, my dear. 

Lucretia. Yes, and you will soon find out tiiat I know a 
great deal more than you think 1 do ; 1 shall surprise you 
soon. 

Mr. M. (aside r) I expect you will, (as if nothiucr had hnp- 
■pened) But 1 must away. Keep up your spirits duckl 1 shall 
not be long. 

Lucretia. (nc) No don't, dear. — Good bye. 

Mr. M. (r Aside.) I'he hypocritical hyena! (to John 
HonN,) Did you see her smile 

fforn. 1 did — so like the late Mrs. Horn. 

Mr, M. {Stops his mouth — goin^.) 

Lucretia. (iPiiderh),) What! not a ki?;s. 

Mr. M. 1 suppose I mu5t. [he goes reluctantly and hisses her. 

Lucretia. Good bye, darling. — [retires. 

Mr, M. (to John IIoun.) You at this door keep an eye 
on her — watdiful — careful — while I go round to the other. 

J. Horn. As careful as [ used to be of Mrs. Horn. 

Mr. M. Damn Mrs. Morn. 

[Eieunt Mr. M. and John Horn, n. 

Lucretia. At last 1 am alone — and may with safety once 
again read his dear letter. How I tremble — if any one 
should have seen it — how imprudent: (reads) "Dearest 
J^ucretia, at last then I am again near you, dear girl. How 
fortunate you were to make your husband take this house! 
We shall now have it in our power to see, to converse freely 
with each other at all times." (to herself) Then it must be 
like Pyramus and Thisbe, through the wall! (reads) "When 
your husband shall have gone out fly to the breakfast room. 
(to herself) This is it. (reads) " Two signals with your hand, 
and do not be afraid at any sudden apparition! — I shall ap- 
pear." How I tremble — his apparition! What can he 
mean] — And yet, in spite of my fear, I would know. Shall 
1 ? — I will, (goes to room do(*r and locks it) How my heart 



CHIMNEY PIECE. 17 

beats! [slie shipi; her lunid tirice, j)art of tlie chimneit ■piece 
turns round upon a centre, which brings Fkedkkick into the 
room, 

Lttcretia, Gracious powers ! What have I done ? 

[sinks into a chair, tlie letter fulls Jrom her hand, 

Fred, (rushing to her n) Sister, dear sister, take courage : 
'tis only 1, your brother. 

Lucrttia. Frederick ! Oh how you frightened me. (rising) 
Was there ever any thing so wonderful ; how did you come? 

Fred. A few words will explain every thing : — this house, 
and the one next to it, ou that side, once belonged to a nest 
of gamblers ; that fire place, which turns upon a centre, was 
one of their modes of escape, when surprised by the officers 
of justice. Jlaving paid pretty dearly to the scoundrels, for 
my knowledge of their secrets, 1 thought I had a right to use 
them for my own advantage ; and my having taken lodgings 
in the next dwelling, was the reason for my so stiongly urging 
you in my letter, to get your husband to hire this, besides the 
pleasure of seeing you, dear sister, it will give me a double 
ch:\nce of eluding my pursuers, 

Lucreiia. Are you then again in trouble? 

Fred, 1 am. 

Liicretia, Thoughtless Frederick ; and at this moment tooj 
when my husband is on the point of giving the hand of Ellen 
to another. 

Fred, Ellen, the wife of another ! Never! 

Liicretia. I can scaicelv pity you. Why will you ever be 
quarrellinof, — ever be fiyhtititr I 

tred. On my honor, dear sister, you wrong me ; it is true, 
T have had some words with the unloriunate voung man wlio 
was found shot; but Vow he came so, 1 am pt-rfectiy ignorant. 
3 require time to prove my innocence ; and as I tliouijhi i could 
employ that time to more advantage, out of a prison than in 
one, 1 fled from Liverpool, arrived safely in London, -And of 
the rest you are abeady aw-are. All I now want is a fiiesd, 
to wait upon the secretary of state, to show him the papers I 
bear about me, and speak waiinly in my favour. Are you 
sure your husband — 

Lneretia. Sure! If he but knew you vvere here, he would 
be the first to disclose your retreat, so incensed is he ayainst 
you. But I have a thought— 1 — yes; 1 will do it myself. 

Fred, [uc] You, sister! 

Lucreiia. Yes, 1. My friend. Lady Manvllle, is first cou- 



18 CiilMNKY PIICE. 

sin to this very secretary of state ; I will hasten to her ; my 
husband is out ; give me the papers ; not a moment must be 
loot ; ami remember, do not stir until you hear the signal. 

John H. [without n] Here, madam ! 

Lucretiu. Someone comes — quick — quick. 

Fred. I am gone! [places himself 'igainst the chimneu, 
touches the spring, and duuppeurs. At the same moment, JouN 
lions from without, is tnjing to open L h d. 

John H. Here, madam! 

Lucretia. \\e\U [unlocks door. 

John H. Didn't you call, ma'am ? [entering, 

Lucretia. A^o. 

John H. Strange ! I thought I heard — ^just a 1 once did in 
the time of the late Mrs. Horn. 

Lucretia. No more, John. 

John H. I'm dumb. But please you ma'am, we are to 
prepare the dinner in this apartment ; the dining-room being 
so choked up with furniture. 

Lucretia. As you please. 

M'i^u- [fi'O'ii without n] Mr. Horn, come and assist me 
with this table. 

John H. I'm coming mistress Mary, I'm coming. 
(IVhile LuciiETiA is speaking, John H. a)id Mahy bring in a 
tray r, on which is u cold foul, a hum, some wine, S^c. and three 
candles unlighted, one a small one, put it on table. 

Lucretia. Tliey certainly suspect nothing! (^looking at her 
watch] only five o'clock, and already getting dark. What, if 
I should not return before my husband. Here, Mary! 

Mari^. Yes, ma'am. [coming down. 

Lucretia. 1 am compelled to go out, Mary ; so if Mr. .Mud- 
dlebrain should come home first, and ask for me, you will tell 
him that I am dressing. You understand, Mary? — Dressing. 

John II. [aside, placing things on table] And mind she 
doesn't get a good dressing. [Exit Lucretia, k. 

Mary, Yes ma'am, 1 understand. Mum! (aside) It's all 
right, I shall soon be able to tell about Shuffle, and my mar- 
riage. [Exit R. 

John H. There they go, whispering to each other j it's as 
clear as day! Poor Mr. Muddlebrain ! 

RJr. 3J. [puts his head in at the door] John. 

John H. [not hearing] He'll not be long without a — 

Mr.M. Horn, 1 say. 

John H. Is that vou. Master? 



CHIMNEY rireE. 19 

"Mr. M. [Eiitpr'iitir n] Do vou know John, T ])egin to think 
we are wrong; because it's impossible thiit my wife — a wile 
tliat adores me. 

Jolin II. [r ] Ah, sir, the late Mrs. Horn adored me ! But 
sir, 1 have pi oofs. 

Mr. M. Proofs! [starls. 

John H. Yes, do you know that the young gentleman has 
not appealed once at the wiiHlow since you have been out. 
Mr. M. Well, but that's a good si^in. 

John //. Yes ; l)ut as I came up stairs J heard the voice of 
a man. Is that a good sign ? 

Mr. I\] , i\o, a darnn'd bad one ! A man's voice ! 
JdIiii //. I'alking to missus. 

Mr. M. Vm in a cold sweat ! but John, don't you know that 
science lias taught us, the organ called the tar is very de- 
ceptive ; that when the niind is hxed intently upon one 
point, sounds are often heard at another. 
John H. But 1 thought 1 heard a kiss. 
Mr. M. A kiss. 

JnhnH. Just such as I once iif ard in the time of INIrs. — 
Mr, M. I'll choke \ou ; and what did you do. 
Joint II. 1 opened the door — no, I tried to open it; for it 
was locked! 

Mr.M. Locked? 

John H. Yes. 13ut she let me in ; and madame was — 
Mr. M. Weill 
John H. yVIone. 

Mr. M. Fool! ideot ! Just as I was in a state of almost 
spontaneous combustion ! A'ow will you believe in my 
theory, which proves that every thing is nothing ; and that 
Jiothing is the only leal thing in the world. 

John II. [picking up the note lei fall /<(/ Mr<. M.] Then 
perhaps this little bit of paper is notliing, io» it looks wonder- 
lully like a real note. 
Mr. M. A note ! 

John H. Yes, and I declare, addressed to missus. 
Mr. M. [tukinix the iwtp from John] 'Jo your mistress? 
What do I see I [reads] " Dearest Lucretia," that's my wife* 
" at last then I am again near you, dear girl." Damnation I 
[rending iciih great agiintion] *' Have it in our power at all 
times — husband out — two signals" [x to l. 

John H. [lc] Am I a fool now? 
Mr. M. No, John, but 1 am. W'hat sihall I do? a fire 



20 CHIMNEY I'llCF. 

damp has exploded in mybiain; I'm in a perfect state of 
conlusion. I'etcli me a bag of nitrous oxide. 

[uaiks toandjio, in agitulioiu 

John H. Yes, sir. 

Mr. M. iSo, some brandy— water— any tiling. 

JoJin H, Yes, sir. 

Mr. M, No, John ; fetch me nothing. 

John I], I Will, sir. 

Mr. M. The ptrhuious wretch! I i^ht the candles, John. 
(John takes an apparatus off the .shelf, and Oghts the candle.t.) 
Now I no longer wondtr at lier Sj-eaklng- in such praise of 
this apartment, [i/nitales his ivije] " This sliali be my apart- 
ment ; 'twill just do for me." [it'iturallii] And will do fur 
me, I'm afraid, [like his wife] " J wo entrances, how con- 
venient." — No doubt she lias found it so. [looks at iiftej 
** Again near youl" [^> John] perhaps he's near us; tate 
a light, John, we'll search the house. — \'\ here shall we beglnJ 

John H. I used to begin at tlie dust hole. 

Mr. M. You go that way, I'll take this; and if we find a 
lover 

John H, I once found two? [aside. 

Mr. M. Ye powers that guard over injured husbands nerve 
my arm to vengeance ! 

[Exeunt Mr. M. k John i, eeteh taking a light. 

Snt'lFLE descends the dtiinneii, and adcunces uith caution c. 

Shnf. It was not' for nothing that I, Harry Shuffle, per- 
formed tiie parts of head waiter, croupier, cutter, shuffler, 
and all that, when this was a gambling house. To look at 
that chimney, few people would imagine the inside was built 
like a staircase — many a time have 1 scampered up that when 
the Bow-street officers, tliose cursed knaves of clubs, were at 
our heels. I've cut the cards now, and deal 'in other com- 
modities, I'm head man at a pop shop, as I call it, not a 
pawnbroker's but a gunsmith's — by-the-bye, I have forgotten 
to take home this brace of pistols, (feeling his back pocket) — 
never mind. Now let me see: that's Mary's room, and 
(taming round sees tat)le) the dear little i^ueen of heans! 
She has not forgotten mv hint about the fowl, and the two 
bottles of wine. Doubtless the family are in the dining room 
— so I may safely enjoy the banquet my dear little Mary has 
prepared for me. [^its doun at the table. 



CHIMNEY FIKCE. 21 

He enter Mr. IMuddlebpais:, n, without the cajidle 

Mr. M. Nobofiy to be found ; no one has left the house ! 
(.vf« Sni'F.) 1 he devil! Here lie is, and eating my dinner I 
Shall 1 knock, him down. 

Shiif. flow heavy these pistols are in my pocket. 

[puts pistols on table, pointuig lincunls Mr. M. 

Mr. M. Is he going to murder us, 

Shiif. What if I'd shot niy-eli ! 

Mr, M. ] wish you had. 

Si'iiif. Now, jMr. ShurHe, Til cut you for a slic of ham 
^cutnunlicc, niid holiia it vn a fork.) lt'> uimel I've won it. [lals 

Mr. M. And I've lest it l" What's he ot ? 

Shiif. Now, Mr. Shuffle, i'ii toss you ic:r a glass of wine — 
I've won it. [drinks. 

Mr.M. And ril toss you out of the window. 

SItiij: Whnt'sthdt 

IFuis nine glass on candle, ohd eiliii^uinLes it. 

Ell It r Mary, It. 

Minn ( ) I thought i I'eard nia.vter's voice. 

J^lr. M. ( L u i) A female ! that's my wif;; ! 

S'>iiJ\ (c) Iheie's some one in the rooia. 

iUarij. Perhaps it's my husband. 

Mr.'M. It is indeec;. 

Mtiry. Henry! 

iSbtif, Yes, love ! 

Mr. M. (aside) " Love," too ; a pleasant situation mine. 
(Imhsoneof the doors.) Cockatrice! wretch! If 1 can tind 
my way to the door [x to r.,] I'll lock them in uniil 1 have 
procured witnesses; and then for a divorce. [Eiit, r. 

Marif. [lc] 1 thought ma>ter was here. 

Hhuf. [i( c] So he is ; your loid and master. 

Mary. But liov»r got you heie"! 

^hiij. 1 flew heie ; but iir-t my dear little wife, let me give 
you a kiss as a recompencv; ;or the fine fat fowl I've enjoyed. 

Muiy. What lowl .' 

*/'«'/. Why the fowl }ou left for me on the table here, 
which I can assure you was delicious. 

Mary, Oh! horror! you havn't eaten it? 

Shnf. All but the bones. 

Mary. We're ruined and undone! Why that was the cold 
dinner for mustsr and missus. 



22 CHIMNF.V PIECE. 

SiMif. The devil! 

ALirif. And listen ! Ilwe is master oomlng-, what shall I do. 
Shiif. Don't be afraid, like an old witch, I'll be up the 
chimney in a crack. 
Mary. I shall faint! 
aiiuj. That's your affair, I'm off'! 

[77ie door is heard opening, 
Mary. [Falls in a chair.] I'm gone ' 
&hitj. So am I. [Goes up the chimney. 

Enter IMr. Muddlehraiv, irith a brace of Pi:^lols, R. a>id 
John Horn, l. with a Blunderbuss and lighted Candle. 

Mr. M. [h] Now, vile seducer! surrender or we'll shoot 
you. 

John H. (t,) This reminds me of old times. 

Mr. ]\f. Where is he John? 

John H. I don't see any body. 

[Goes to the table and lights the other candle. 

Mr, M. No matter ; — here's the companion of his guilt. 
(^seeiuj; Mary) Rise, lost, abandoned womau, and leave 
my house. 

Mary, (c) Abandoned! [Siarls up. 

Mr. M. and John H. Mary! 

Mary. Yes. and I'll have you to know, I'm no more aban- 
doned than my betters. This is my husband. (/o<)/ai «ryi//iW) 
Gone! 

Mr. M. Who's your husband? 

Mary I didn't say husband. 

Mr. M. If not; who was it f saw eating my dinner? 

Mary. I — as nobody seemed inclined to eat it, 1 thought I 
might. 

Mr, M. Well, if it were you, you must be very quick at 
your toilet ; for just now I'm certain you had oq a pair 
of breeches and jockey boots. 

Mary. 1! You know, sir, that as you say, rwthlng ifs 
really in this world as ii seems to be, I dare say I did appear 
10 you in jockey boots ; but it was merely an hoptical illusioa 
as you philosophers call it. 

Mr. M. Where then is my wife? 

Mary. Sir? 

John H. Can you understand a simple question? — Where 
i« this gentleman's wife? [Retires towards window. 

Mary. Mis wife! She's dressing. 



CHIMNEY PIECE. 23 

Mr, M. Dressing — is she! 

John //. Then she's dressing in the street ; for by the gas- 
light yonder, i see her at this moment getting out of a hack- 
Dev coach. 

'Mr. M. By herself? 

John H. i\o ; by the pump, 

Mary- May 1 go, sir ? 

Mr. Af. Yes; to your own room, sphynx, (tnkrs out hey 
and opens door) but do not dare to breathe until 1 call you, 
or you shall die ; 

Mary. I shall die if I don't breathe ! Indeed, sir j I 

Mr. M. In directly ; or 

Mary, Oh dear ! What can all this mean? 
[MuDDLEBRAiN ptDihes her into a room, and locks the door, 

Mr. M. We have one of the accomplices safe ; nowjfor the 
principals. Where can the vile seducer be ? lias he vanished 
in smoke? 

John H. Hush, master! I hear missus coming. 

Mr, M. Then you descend by the little staircase ; call in 
,all my neighbors — every body you see in the street, I wish 
all London to behold my wrong ! 'lo witness my great revenge! 
IVly triumph! Quick, away. 

John W. I fly. [E.dt, r. 

Mr. M. Now where to hide myself, that I may surprise 
them. I have it : in the nook of this chimney. Here can I 
•watch the crocodile. Hush! [Conceals himstlf. 

Enter Lucretia, cautiously, 

Lucretia. Nobody here! How fortunate I should find my 
spouse out. 

Mr. M. Ditto. 

lAicrelia. Now then to summon my dear Frederick. 

Mr. M, Just now it was Henry. 

Lucretia, What a pity it is my husband is so prejudiced ; I 
should like to tell him all about it. 

Mr. M. The devil you would ! 

Lucretia. For if we could all three live together ; it would 
be so pleasant. 

Mr. M. Damn'd pleasant ! I can't stand this. 

Lucretia. Perhaps my husband will be more reconciled in 
time, and then — 

Mr. M. (^Groans.) 



24 CHIMNEY PIECE, 

Lucretia, What was that? Was it Frederick? Quick, the 
signal, (blie slups her hand rather softly, and tutens.) JNoieply; 
he could not have heard me, 

Mr.M . But he shall hear me. (Gives tuo loud slaps uith 
hi'' hands, when the cliiimnev instantly tarns round, camming with 
it Mr. M., and bringing Frederick into view.) Abduction! 

Lvbretia. What was that? I shall swoon. 

Fred. [Running to her.] Do not fear, dear sister. 

Lnc,etia. But 1 hear some one calling. 

Fred. J)oubtless; when the chimney was opened, you 
must have heard the officers trying to break open the door of 
my apartment. 

Lncretia. Officers! have they then discovered your retreat? 

Fred, i hey have; but I'll give them leave to arrest any 
body they may find in my room. But what news, sister? 

lAuretia. \Vhy you must know, I went to my old friend. 
Lady Manville, when, what was my surprise? — 

Mr. M. [withont.'] Reparation! Reparation! What repa- 
tlon can 1 have? Answer me that. 

I.vcretin. Ye powers, my husband! 
^Fred. AgainI I've not time for the chimney. 

[.^ilips under the table. 

Enter MuDDLKBRAiN in great disorder; Three Officers 

following. 

Lucretia. What does all this mean? 

fllr. M. What does it mean ! who can tell what it means ? 
Here was I, one montent in this room; and in another, by 
the force of magic, or old Nick, I've been rammed throu^ii a 
stone wall, into the iron clutches of these civil officers, as they 
are cal led, 

Fater John Horx, r. 

John H. They're behiw sir ; I've brought all I could find, 
to witness your triumph. 

Mr. M. A pretty triumph, (to the Officer.) Now, sir, of 
what am I accused ? 

Ofi. Of killing a young man in a duel. 

Mr. M. I fight a duel! 

Off}. Yes ; they tell me it was a most bloody contest, and 
but for your wonderful bravery 

Lueretia. Indeed, sir, he is not capable of such a tiling. 



CHIMNEY I'lECE. 25 

John H. No indeed lie's not, sir. 

Mr. M. Js'o sir. I'm incapable of any thing ; I'm a gentle- 
man, sir. 'i his is my house, 

OJji. Then why did we find you in the next one? How got 
you there? 

Mr. M. Through the wall. 

Offi. Ridiculous! Your name is Frederick Melville; we 
know you. 

Mr. M. No, sir. My name, I'm not ashamed of it, is 
Muddlebrain — Joseph Muddltbrain. 

(){fi. The devil it is! Then if you are a quiet gentleman, 
why do we find you armed with these crackers? 

[Tahivg jnslols from tubh. 

Mr. M. Because T have been watching and searching ibr a 
Jover my wife has hid scmewheie. 

All. A lover! 

J.ucretia. Mr. Muddlebrain, do ynudare to 

Mr. M. Yes, ma'am ; 1 lieie urimask you to the world. 

Lncrelia. Listen to me, sir. 

hJr. M. Til hear nolliing ! [To the Offfci n] I was stand- 
ing just here, [goes to eliinnitti] upon the watch, when all at 
once 

6iivf [In the chimney] I'm down by jingo. 
[Tkovv three bricks fall down vpiii Mr. I\i., who runs foruard 

Mr. M. Murder! [Shuffi f's /f'o-.s nee diuiginig down fi^r a 
minute; and all are astonished.] 'J hat's he! I know hini!by 
his boots. That's her paramour. He first broke my peace, 
and has now broken my head. Seize him! 

[■Se?t;a«fs seize Shi'fflf, and bring him fvrivard. 

f)hvf. Pardon, gentleman, I'm no paramour, but an honest 
young man. 

Offi. How came you in that chimney 1 

ahuf. Why, as 1 was going along, 1 heard the cry of fire ; 
so thinking it was in the chimney— 1 — 1— I — fell down it; 
and here 1 am. 

Mr. M. So villain, you were walking along the street, and 
fell down a chimney. A pretty story, indeed. 

Mary. [Heard knocking from within] Let me cut, let me 
outf [John H. unlocks the door, Mary enters. 

Offi. [To his men] March him off. 

Mary, [orging.] Oh ma'am! oh master! Pray pardon! 
Do, good Mr. Officer! he only came to see me; he's an honest 
young man and my husband. 




26 CniMNKY PIECE, 

All. Your husband! 

Mr. M. What flo I hear"? say it once more. 

Marjj. He's my husband. 

Mj-. M. Come to my arms, you little darling, (embraces her) 
Oh! ray good friends! oh! my dear little wife! and you, 
John Horn, I don't mind your name now, bear witness, that 
I'm the happiest man, — that is, married man in the world, 

John H. {^whn has been bnk'uiir ot the table.) Not yet, sir. 

Mr. M. What do you mean, Horn 1 

John H. (As'ule to ?tIuDDi.EBiiAiN, andjwintingat thetahli.) 
Here's another, 1 see his leys. 

Mr JM. Nonsense ; they are the legs of the table. 

John II, If they are, tliey wear boots. (At this moment, 
iMauy and Shtffle, uhn have bee>i tak'ui^' aivay the diniier 
things^ also take aauy the clotJt, and discover Fred£«i(.k sitting 
under the table.) 

Fred, (laughins;) Don't be afraid! 'tis only I. 

All. A young man ! 

Lncretia. Brother ! 

Mr.M. Frederick Melville' 

Ojfi. The very man we are to arrest. 

Lucrctia. This paper will satisfy you that he is at liberty, 
"[Gives paper to Officek, who goes ojf with hii Jollowers. 

Fred. Is it possible! 

Mr. M. John Horn! John Horn! You've made me an ass. 
(To his Wije.) Most celestial of terrestial beings, can you 
forgi ve me '? 

Lucretia. On one condition. 

Mr. M. Name it. 

Lucretia. That Frederick marry your niece Ellen. 

Mr. M. Well, as he deserves to be punished in some way, 
perhaps that will be as good a method as any, — Eh! John 
Horn ? 

John H. Can'tbebetter— I've been married. 

Mr.M. And you've been an old fool, I hope you'll allow that. 

John H. I don't know, (confidentially.) There may be a 
third lover somewhere, as there was in the time of the late 
Mrs. Horn. 

Mr. M. Poh! Let there be, I fear him not. (Taking Lucre- 
tia's hand.) And I hope the structure of our chimney piece, 
supported by Mr. and Mrs. Muddlebrain, with a little Cupid 
8t top, will be considered both useful (^Pointing to Lucretia) 
diRd ornamcDtal. 

THE END. 



TUMNSR <f riSJ^ER 

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so libetally bestowed upon them since their opening, and 
hopo by strict attention and polite deportment to merit and 
receive a continuance of public favour. 

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